January 24, 2003

Euphemism, dysphemism and persuasion

From http://www.mcc.com.au/wow/extra/spin/: the "Microsoft Spin Dictionary"

BUG
Bug is a word you won't see in any official Microsoft publication (but it is used sometimes as a keyword in the MS Knowledge Base).

Microsoft deny it - but it's readily apparent that staff (especially Technical Support staff) are under instructions not to use the 'b' word. We've had amazing reports of phone support people almost choking with embarrassment when challenged by customers to use the 'b' word. Some, braver, 'softies will say bug warily and risk complaints from on high. This results in a bewildering array of euphemisms in a desperate effort to call a spade anything but a spade!

The only time I can recall the term 'bug' coming from Redmond is when discussing the competition - of course the main target currently is Netscape - but it can be used for any company that is in Microsoft's target cross-hairs. So Netscape and Apple have bugs in their software, but Microsoft don't -- yeah right.

ISSUE
a bug, as in 'That could be an issue'.

KNOWN ISSUE
a bug that Microsoft will admit to.

POSSIBLE ISSUE
a bug that Microsoft would prefer to ignore or is too embarrassed to admit.

POTENTIAL ISSUE
is still a bug - but the word potential is used to make it appear that it could not happen to you - but , of course, it could and probably will.

INTERMITTENT ISSUE
a bug that happens occasionally eg. only when you turn your computer on.

INSECT
Redmondians will use this on the phone in a (hopefully) tongue-in-cheek attempt to avoid the 'b' word, as in "That certainly seems like insect behaviour.".

UNDOCUMENTED FEATURE
It's an oldie - but like all good oldies it still gets played from time to time.

CHALLENGE
Yet another term for a 'bug' - but this time it becomes a challenge for the customer (not Microsoft) to overcome.

DESIGN SIDE EFFECT
A fancy term for a bug - it doesn't make the bug any less annoying but it sure does sound impressive.

DESIGN DECISION
When you are really caught out trying to take development shortcuts then just try to convince people that it was a decision made in your best interests. The most famous of these decisions in recent times is the flagrant attempt to pass off a Rich Text export filter as a proper Word 6/95 document filter in Office 97.

From http://www.scn.org/news/newspeak/, a website maintained by Wayne Gryting. "Your one-stop shopping center for cutting edge advances in the mangling of meaning."

Most Inspirational Effort to Remove an Unnecessary Word

Tobacco Companies want to eliminate the word "cancer". Internal memos of the Brown and Williamson Co, made public in the landmark Florida lawsuit, reveal the tobacco company so disliked the term "cancer" that they replaced it with a codename. So be alerted to the fact that "cancer" is now to be called "Zephyr." I kid you not. The memos criticize the idea that "there is a causal relationship between Zephyr and tobacco smoking." Even more offensive is the notion that "tobacco smoke contains a substance or substances that may cause Zephyr." It's still unknown whether the government will make Brown and Williamson come out with a new warning label for their cigarettes -- "Smoking may cause Zephyr." But watch for it. (Knight-Ridder 4/4/95)

Most Creative Downsizing of the English Language

AT&T's official 150 page downsizing manual leaked out and just in time for those of you who still speak of employees being fired or even laid off. No more. When AT&T fired 40,000 workers (as we would say in Oldspeak) they were really just carrying out a "force management program" aimed at reducing an "imbalance of forces and skills." Got it. Let's go on. Employees not invited back are simply labeled "unassigned" and a dismissal notice is an "involuntary offer" to work elsewhere. Even though AT&T speaks proudly of maintaining a loyal corporate family, Human Resources VP James Meadows warns that "People need to look upon themselves as vendors who come to this company to sell their skills." Jobs, he says, are being replaced by "projects" and workers need to see themselves as "contingent." So much for family values. Welcome to the age of the Kleenex. However, not to despair. At least in one department, family values and old fashioned loyalty still matter. While 40,000 jobs have been unassigned, none have been in PR or human resources. Get the picture. (NYT 2/15/96)

Son of Frankenstein

Now that "downsizing" is officially passé, what new verbs and adjectives are cutting edge companies finding to describe the massive firings of employees that accompany mergers? One of the best solutions is provided in a press release by Wang Global announcing their purchase of a firm named Olsy from Olivetti S.p.A. In it, Wang predicts they will spend over $380 million on the "integration and the rightsizing of the new combined company." Notice the ease with which the freshly minted verb "rightsizing" is employed. To fully grasp their concept of "rightsizing," it should be noted they expect to spend $290 million on eliminating redundant facilities and on severance pay. Nowhere in the press release does Wang give an estimate of the number of employees to be let go, another sign of their advance beyond the primitive era of "downsizing." Our prediction: watch for an American company to introduce the term "nicesizing" by next year. (Press Release 4/6/98)